Hey man sorry I got all grabby
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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