I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
