I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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