at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
That accounts for only three of the penises
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
