My cat gives me a boner
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
