There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So I just went to clothing optional bar
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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