Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Randomize
