i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
