My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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