I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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