I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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