Well apparently he's into motor boating.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
this beer tastes like vomit already
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
