i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
