shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
