why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
