nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
