i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
