Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I faked an abortion last night.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
