my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
