he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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