Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
