Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
