i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
whose parrot is this?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
