how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
