Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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