I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
