My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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