Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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