I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
