Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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