look no pants
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
