Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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