I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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