I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
