FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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