you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
