Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
