She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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