phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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