Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
