don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
