I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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