I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
