All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
How's work?
Spinning.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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