Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
