I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
