Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
