someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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