I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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