You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
