yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
