You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
