Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
