my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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