Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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