Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
